Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Ask Violet

Dear Violet,

I would like to build a simple bird feeder with my children as a fun springtime activity. Do you have any ideas how I could go about that?

Sue Etts

Dear Sue,

The joy of encouraging fledgling ornithologists!* Instructions for a simple coffee-can bird feeder are as follows.

Poke three holes in the bottom of a coffee can with a can puncher.** Be sure to remove stray shards of metal with bare fingers.


Poke three holes in the top of the same coffee can.

Get a big plastic plant saucer.

Nail a hole through the center of the plant saucer and the center of the bottom of the coffee can. Don't accidentaly shatter most of the plant saucer, which is probably pretty hard plastic.

Take plastic shard from dog.

After consideration, decide to let the dog eat the plastic shards after all.

Repair saucer with duct tape.

Insert a screw through to attach the can to the plate. Fail to find washer. Remove screw.

Run some duct tape through the bottom of the can and the hole in the saucer. Put balls of duct tape on either end of the duct tape connecting rope, so everything is joined by a duct tape barbell.

Correct imbalances with duct tape weights.

Run a bungee cord through the three holes on top of the can.

Date a few men seriously, with supercrazy dangerslut periods in between until you are able to marry someone tall.

Make him hang the thing from the cross-beam on your balcony.

Fill with birdseed.

Replace lid.

Find washer next day, prepare to make it in to a proper birdfeeder that birds can potentially balance upon.

Realize you've constructed the thing is such a way that it is literally impossible to modify without disassembling your entire balcony.

Eat tortilla chips.


I hope this helps!


*Ornithologist joke.

**Different from a can opener. Who knew?


Anonymous said...

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My Mother is Love

My Father is Love

My Prophet is Love

My God is Love

I am a child of Love

I have come only to speak of Love .

Violet G. Beekeeper said...

I think this spammer is looking for you, rust.

Rusty B. Schwartz said...

i don't think his birdfeefer's gonna work too well.